Archive for the ‘1/2’ Category

Why did I even bother ?

This is utter crap. Nothing works. The acting is terrible. The dinosaurs are boring. The story is silly. The action only happens in the last quarter or so, but by then, your attention span is long gone.

Part three seems to have a good premise though, so maybe we’ll give that one another chance. But this sequel is redundant.


The Foreigner – (*)

Posted: April 20, 2018 in 1/2, 2017, Action, Revenge, Terrorist

This is a mess. A real mess.

The title is deceiving. This isn’t about a ‘foreigner’, it’s about a series of attacks by a new radical IRA.

Jackie Chan, who plays an Asian restaurant owner who loses his daughter in one of the attacks, is out for revenge. He’s a well-trained soldier and determined to find and eliminate the bombers on his own.

Ok. Good premise.

But then somehow, Jackie Chan disappears in the story and Pierce Brosnan’s character becomes a central figure. He plays a politician, with links to the old IRA and is now not only dealing with a mad ‘Chinaman’ who’s haunting him, but also with his political friends, who are betraying him and with the British PM, who’s accusing him of the attacks.

Then Pierce Brosnan disappears from the screen and they focus on the bombers and their next attacks and the British who try to stop them. Oh and on a hitman who Brosnan’s character hires to kill Jackie’s character.

It’s a mess. A real mess.

And the IRA, really? Why make a movie about fictitious IRA terrorists? We finally kind of forgot they (still) exist. No need to bring paranoia back.

Dream Boat – (*)

Posted: January 27, 2018 in 1/2, 2017, Documentary, Germany, LGBT themed

Every year, the Brussels gay event La Demence organizes a cruise on the Mediterranean for their party clubbers clientele. It’s an international affair with guys form all over the world cruising during a cruise.

This documentary was shot on that cruise, but there is no mention of La Demence at all. Which is a good thing. It’s not really making the viewer want to book a cabin for next year’s journey.

This is a terrible documentary.

It sounds interesting though. A cruise full of muscle queens enjoying a themed party every night. All kinds of question arise: what does the crew think about this gay exclusive cruise? How do these clubbers get their drugs on board? How busy are the dark rooms? How many men actually go off the ship during the day and visit the ports of call? What’s been done to encourage safe sex? Where are all these guests coming from ?

Yet, the director seems to only focus on the last question. He’s following a camp Indian guy, a confused Polish stud, a confident Palestinian guy, a disabled Frenchman, an hiv positive German sucker… some of the most boring gay characters ever to have made it onto a screen. Their stories may be of interest in another kind of documentary, but if you make a documentary on a party cruise, make it a party cruise documentary!

A break from Netflix and off to the cinema for a very mediocre, predictable, unappealing detective story. It wasn’t really on my list of movies to see, but when at the movies you have to let the other person pick and choose. It’s based on a famous novel, it has a stellar cast, the synopsis is great, it’s a surprising blockbuster… so why not give it a try. Tip: don’t.

It’s boring. It’s slow. (had to make an effort not to fall asleep). The acting isn’t good at all. None of the characters are intriguing. You just don’t get to know anything about them. It’s not mysterious. It’s not funny. (there are failed attempts though) and the main character, Hercule Poirot, is a dud. It’s set on a legendary train and you don’t get to learn anything about this vehicle at all. This movie stinks. But it has found a large audience and it will get a sequel for sure. He’s off to the Nile at the end of the movie. Duh.

Time to finally watch all the episodes of the new BBC Sherlock Holmes. Now that’s a detective !

Naked – (*)

Posted: December 28, 2017 in 1/2, 2017, Comedy, USA

Whoever told Marlon Wayans that he is funny?

He has a few facial expressions that make you laugh. Yes. But he uses them in every single movie. He stutters sometimes to conjure laughs. He reacts very effeminate in scary of frustrating scenes (screaming, lifting his hands, jumping up, etc…), which he also does in almost every single movie. Every single scene. He’s also always clumsy. It’s all very Mr Bean. It’s all very visual. But he never (EVER) delivers a funny line. EVER. He often uses references to cultural/social moments of the year the movie is made, but none of them are ever on point, interesting or still relevant two years later. This guy is a crappy comedian. He’s still a comedian, because there must be an audience somewhere out there that likes what he does. Or people just watch because he looks good and he’s naked a lot in this one. Back in 2000 he was great Requiem For A Dream, in which he didn’t have to be funny at all. White Chicks was also kinda cool. To give him some credit. Then he just played it safe with all the unfunny parodies on popular movie themes.

Naked, made for Netflix, sounded like it could have been something different. Something good. A new take on the Groundhog Day principle, where a guy is late for his wedding because he’s trapped in an elevator – naked. As he tries to get to the church in time, he always gets transported back to the elevator when the church bells start to go off. This one hour will repeat itself as often as is necessary for him to do it right. It’s a good concept. But it’s just not funny. Ever. What’s with this wedding obsession in the States anyways. If you truly want to marry someone, who cares if you show up naked at the church or forget to have the ring or forget to wear the right suit or forget the vows or forget to reprint the program in the right font?

Whatever made me believe this movie could have been funny? (the trailer maybe?)

The Pass – (*)

Posted: December 14, 2017 in 1/2, 2016, Drama, LGBT themed, UK

If it was the idea of the director to make a total fool of gay footballers in the closet who cover up their sexuality by pretending to be more macho than they actually are, then he succeeded well.. This movie is making a fool of gay people. It’s making a fool of celebrity football players. It’s making a fool of people in the closet. It’s making a fool of anyone who has secret desires, but covers up for ‘the better’.

The main character is such a c*nt. He’s utterly unpleasant from the first moment you see him until the very last. There’s nothing likable about him. He’s played by Russell Tovey, the douche from Looking, not necessarily a good ‘actor’. His over the top pseudo macho behavior is annoying as hell. Especially his Ricky Gervais-like laugh. Then there’s the love interest, buffed actor Arinze Kané, who just looks buffed really.

The movie is based on a play. That explains the very limited settings. Basically all scenes take place in a hotel room or one bedroom apartment. And the dialogue takes forever. Maybe this works on stage. But it does NOT work as a cinematic experience.

What a disappointment.

Look at Wound instead. Another movie about gay men in the closet in a very macho environment. That one feels realistic. This one just feels like a joke.

The Big Sick – (*)

Posted: December 13, 2017 in 1/2, 2017, romcom, USA


The first part is a bad remake of Ae Fond Kiss. A Pakistani muslim meets western girl but is supposed to do the traditional arranged marriage thing and hides that important cultural identity until quite late in the relationship. No points for originality.

The second part is a ‘tearjerker’ about the girl being hospitalized and put in an induced coma. The Pakistani guy stands by her side and is confronted with her parents. No points for drama, because there isn’t any. It’s BORING! and annoying.

All of this is covered with ‘humor’, because the Pakistani character didn’t choose to become a lawyer or a doctor, but tries to be a stand up comedian. With the focus on ‘tries’. There is not one funny scene in the whole movie.


How much did movie critics get paid to write something positive about this movie?