Archive for the ‘1/2’ Category

Kids’ movies don’t always make good adult movies. Not even when they are made by Tim Burton. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children is so flawed, that it’s difficult to focus on the story and watch it until the end.

Nothing works. The story isn’t captivating. It’s probably too complicated for kids anyways. It’s about ‘peculiar’ children (a bit like the X-Men, but then much less awesome) who live in a time loop of 24 hours as a protection against monsters who can turn human again after eating their eyeballs. Yep. Read that sentence again. That’s what it is about. Oh and about a nerdy kid who leave Florida after his grandfather died to find out on an island in Wales what made his dad ‘peculiar’ and what his ‘peculiarity’ is.

Again, nothing works. The acting is bad. Especially because of the terrible dialogue. Some scenes don’t make sense at all. Too many characters are introduced that don’t really need to be in the story at all. There’s no empathy for any of the main characters. Yes, the special effects are fascinating. But that’s about it.

This is NOT a good movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1935859

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The BFG – (*)

Posted: June 25, 2017 in 1/2, 2016, Children/Family, USA

OMG

What a bore.

Even children may find this incredibly boring.

No humor. No suspense. No drama. No adventure. No story.

This one was tough to finish.

Yawn

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3691740

Cities of Love Part III.

After the disastrous Paris, Je T’Aime (2006) and New York, I Love You (2008) someone thought it was a good idea to also make a similar mash-up of silly love stories in Rio De Janeiro. That someone was probably paid a lot by the Department of Tourism of this cidade maravilhosa. None of the stories are captivating. The acting is terrible. The dialogue is ridiculous at times. It’s a complete waste of time and money for the talented people who participated in the project. Hopefully, they received a lot of money for this, because none of them can honestly claim they actually feel proud of whatever they did. Either acting or directing.

But unlike the other two movies, this one actually is worth watching until the end, because unlike the other two movies, it shows the city in the most beautiful kind of way. There are dozens of shots from above, but hey, that’s what makes the city so beautiful. That gorgeous view over the bay with all the rock formations around it… there’s nothing quite like it. As a commercial, this really works well. You want to visit asap. Just be warned that you won’t really be able to see the same views unless you get on a helicopter…

So as an overlong commercial, it’s okay. As a movie it’s not. There are so many stories you can tell. The city is so inspiring. Yet, we see ten tales that just don’t appeal. Most of them aren’t even in Portuguese and have characters from outside of Brazil. Some have potential though. The story about the one-armed boxer could have been explored better. The one with Harvey Keitel is also not that bad. It just feels like a draft of a story. Like a rehearsal for something else. Others are totally amateur like the one where Vincent Cassel rebuilds his sand sculpture. It’s a nice idea, showing the different kind of people walking on the iconic Copacabana side-walk in accordance with different sounds. But the sounds are terribly annoying! Couldn’t they have brainstormed a bit more to find awesome, recognizable sounds ? And Vanessa Paradis and John Torturro doing a stage play dialogue around a kitchen table: what the hell is this doing in a movie set in Rio?

Yeah, this is NOT a good movie. Just watch the trailer.

😦

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1456606

The Watcher – (*)

Posted: February 24, 2017 in 1/2, 2000, Thriller, USA

There are still some 20 dvd’s in my collection that I have not seen. They have been in the collection for a very long time. There’s never a good moment to watch them, because there’s always a more interesting movie to start watching.

But time to get rid of them!

The Watcher has a cool premise. A serial killer from Los Angeles decides to look up the detective who stopped hunting him and moved to Chicago. The killer ‘misses’ him, or better the challenge, and believes the detective is missing him too. The murders are becoming very personal. The first murdered girl lives in the same building as the detective.

From the very first scene however it’s clear that this is not going to be a good movie. It’s a scene where Keane Reeves (the serial killer) is dancing bizarrely to a nu-metal track in some abandoned loft. That itself is okay, but it’s the way that it is filmed and edited. With a bizarre slow motion effect that was made with the cheapest and most outdated slow motion creating program possible. And almost all the scenes are directed badly. Like the action/chase scene that follows to introduce the ‘tough’ co-detective who will work on the case. It’s not bad enough to be good.

Then there’s the badly written dialogue and monologue. The bad script basically. And the bad acting of James Spader and Keanu Reeves, who look like they weren’t really eager to make this movie.

Since hardly any movie get’s the (*) rating, this one deserves it!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0204626

Reality – (*)

Posted: January 20, 2017 in 1/2, 2012, Comedy, Italy

Pffff.
What a drag…

A local fish seller, who’s always ready to steal the show at family events, auditions for a part in the reality tv show Big Brother. He’s really convinced he will get selected and his close friends and family support him as well. But as the start of the new season gets closer and closer, he still hasn’t been contacted by the production team. Something must be wrong…

Maybe it’s funny if you know Italian society a bit better. Or if you are used to their comedies. If you’re not than this is just plain boring.

Lesson learnt for anyone holding job interviews or auditions: just sent a letter that you are not interested.

Lesson learnt for anyone starting o watch Italian comedies: pick another one to begin with.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1846487

 

There is something wrong with members of film festival juries and art house movie reviewers. They praise and reward exploitation movies with no substance whatsoever and mediocre cinematic appeal. And because they do this, more of these movies are made.

Neon Bull is part of an interesting movie box containing ten of the best movie releases from 2016 of which I’ve only seen three so far: Carol **, Room **(*), Spotlight ***. The others are El Clan, Son Of Saul, Heart of A Dog, Elle, 45 Years and White Dog. 

Neon Bull skipped my radar. It may have received rave reviews and it may have won several awards, it didn’t make a long run in the cinemas. Neither here, nor in Brazil or anywhere else in the world. And there’s a good reason for that: it’s just not good.

The characters are boring and there is no story at all. It’s just a collection of scenes, set in the initially intriguing setting of a traveling rodeo circus in Brazil. Some scenes are well filmed, sure, but the action and the dialogue in the scenes are terrible. Not one of them is appealing. Some reviews rave about the ‘natural’ sex scene between the main lead and a pregnant lady. Really? There’s hardcore porn (from Brazil at least) that’s more poetic and romantic!

Neon Bull is the kind of movie that people make to get selected in film festivals and to get rave reviews in ‘the better’ newspapers. It’s all so premeditated. The movie does not feel real. It feels like it’s all made with one purpose only: to wow movie critics and film festival jurors. And to have people write about it. (which works, because this is a long entry) It’s not made with a heart. Nor is it made to reach out to a large audience. In fact, it’s made to reach out to the elitist better off, so they can look at the exotic lesser off.

It’s all so calculated. You can imagine the movie director and his producers sit together and think: “let’s have a sex scene with a pregnant lady and make it look artistic”, “let’s add a little pointless side story to show a guy jerking of a horse’s penis! we’ll make the audience believe he does it to steal stallion sperm, because he needs the money, but all people will talk/write about is the masturbating scene”, “let’s film animal cruelty not to show animal cruelty, but to make people talk about it”, “let’s make a mother slap her child”, “let’s show how poor these rodeo worker are by filming them taking a very basic shower”, “let’s add a Brazilian wax scene in a truck driver seat. that’ll be cool”

I’m sure those who love the movie will disagree. But at least one person needs to write that this movie should be renamed Neon Bullshit. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4899406

 

 

The Legend Of Tarzan – (*)

Posted: August 14, 2016 in 1/2, 2016, Adventure, USA

This is a bad movie. Period. It’s filled with cringeworthy scenes and many things don’t make sense at all. The historical background is incorrect, the digital animation is unrealistic (the liana swinging, the wildebeest attack, the gorilla’s), the acting is terrible (apart from Christopher Waltz who feels restrained in playing yet another badass) and the use of flashbacks doesn’t work in an adventure drama. Neither do the awkward comedy scenes by Samuel Jackson. But strangely enough, the movie is so laughable that his scenes make you laugh out loud with a reason.

It’s the kind of movie you have to see at the theaters though. At least there is some visual beauty. But rent the original Tarzan, The Ape Man again and have three times as much fun!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0918940/